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“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”​
​-E.W.White

Theres a struggle in me between the buddha and the revolutionary.

On one hand, I see The Wasteland. Nearly half our country is obese. 300 million people worldwide are diagnosed with Depression. Millions are taking anti-anxiety medication daily. In an already mentally ill country, the last 10 years has revealed an unprecedented surge, especially amongst teenagers.

I see the Shimmer. The word of the year last year was ‘Brain Rot.’ This is the Shimmer effect. It’s here and the task of our time is to learn how to dance with it.

The part that sees this is the part that has spent more than a decade gathering and sharing pieces of what he hopes will become a new kind of psychotherapy. This is the part that created the Mentally Fit class and learned how to sell.

This part was done talking about problems and started doing something.

He is trying to build a new psychotherapy.

The sample size is still small, but here are some statistics from my first year of teaching this embryonic psychotherapy:

• Average reduction in Beck’s Anxiety scale: 80%
• Average reduction in Beck’s Depression scale: 59%
• 99% of students would recommend a friend take it
• Average student review of class is 9.7/10

80% reduction of anxiety and 59% reduction in depression glints and whispers to him stay the course.

This part wants you to take this class. He wants to scare you because he believes it’s what is required to get you to move past your momentum that keeps you uninspired, distracted, and numb.

But then there is the part of me that can live in Caitlyn’s laugh. This part can watch my cats sleep and melt into their purrs. This is the part that sits on the meditation cushion everyday, eyes closed, breath slow, mind still.

This part is compassionate. He doesn’t want to scare you. He trusts that you’ll figure it out.

But now that I write these words, I realize the struggle is not between the buddha and the revolutionary.

The struggle is between the Revolutionary and the Fox.

The Fox

I've got an intimate relationship with my Dreamer. In the last few months, it has become clear my Dreamer is presenting a new symbolic teacher; The Fox.

Searching my past, I have no clear association with the Fox as a symbol. And because I've studied Jung, I know not to jump to the internet or Chatgpt to tell me what the Fox means.

I've allowed myself to marinate in the image.

The Fox has come into my dreams, psychedelic visions, and spontaneous artistic intuitions. It has appeared in movies and shows I've watched, and two months ago, on the night I did huachuma, LSD, and 5MEO, Caitlyn sent me a video our motion sensor security camera recorded that night.

An actual fox came out from behind our garage and began to playfully jump on our mini-trampoline.

As I watched it, I was mesmerized (and frankly still high from the day's journey).

After jumping a few times, he lofted on the trampoline, his tail periodically waving the way a content cat lounges.

A few seconds later and the little fox was confidently sauntering up to our side door, inspecting like he expected to see a friend (okay I'm projecting here lol).

We've had these cameras for years. We'd never seen a fox before.

Then last week, I shared my vocal symptoms with a medical doctor friend who said I should go see a doctor to confirm, but that it sounds like spasmodic dysphonia.

Something about hearing the diagnosis and reading "life-long" and "no known cure," was surprisingly devastating.

There is a part of me that knows my vocal strain is a soul-led initiation. This part knows I'm going to answer every call this 'wound' calls for, and that it will resolve in time.

But that's exactly why I was surprised by how dead another part of me felt.

I felt depressed, numb, and inert.

I was able to coax myself into going for a walk. It was evening, the sun was setting and it was gorgeous. I gave myself over to the fresh air, the quickening blood from walking up a steep hill, and to the awe that is any city's skyline.

After an hour or so of walking without ruminating, I was almost home, and in the last glimmer of the days light, out in front of me pops a fox.

I had never seen a wild fox in person until this moment.

This mfer stopped about 25 feet in front of me, looked at me, then dashed off across the road.

The encounter hit me with the gnosis of genuine synchronicity. The spontaneous flash of insight was that I can trust this process I'm in. Something is happening and I am not alone.

I started laughing with tears gently brimming my eyes.

What is this mysterious glorious life?

The Fox's Meaning

Although the dusk encounter was the 3rd most potent synchronicity of my life (first one being the golden apple story, the second being the pineapple story), I could still tell the message my Dreamer was trying to convey to me through the Fox hadn't fully blossomed in my awareness.

Then a conversation I had with Caitlyn unlocked it.

We were talking about my voice. She was sharing an intuition that she could create a container for me where I could psychodramatically 'act out' repressed parts of me.

The moment she said it I could feel the promise.

We were able to identify that the three major repressed emotions in me are aggression, lust, and manipulation.

The following happened very quickly in real time, but because I've been meditating, I was able to track it.

She first presented the aggression scene. I felt myself constrict when she did. I didn't want to do that one.

She then presented the lust scene and I liked it.

Then as she started talking about the manipulation scene; and my mind stopped listening and started 'running away' into a potential 'easier way' to do this where I wouldn't have to do a psychodrama scene at all.

I went to write down her share, and my fountain pen ran out of ink as I wrote the first scene; aggression.

Laughter bursted out of me. I told Caitlyn what happened and in real time shared my epiphany.

The moment Caitlyn presented the psychodramas, my soul felt the resonance. Explore this was the feeling.

And as soon as I felt this call, the first spontaneous thought that emerged was trying to negotiate an easier route.

I had stopped listening to the call and started scheming how I could avoid the call my soul felt.

This is my Fox.

The Fox is the part of me that negotiates with the calls to adventure.

Earlier that day, I was able to listen to a group of very powerful people debate the nature of evil. After 2 hours of talking, a Lakota Elder got to share.

His aura was different from everyone else. He spoke with a gravity that renewed my faith in humanity. He shared how in his people's pantheon, one of the highest places is reserved for the Trickster. Often represented as a Coyote or Fox, this God is a complex representation for what modern people see as black and white good vs evil.

This God will test the hero in a way that one on else will. The Trickster is not an uncle looking out for you, who will save you just before you destroy yourself.

No, the Trickster will test you -- for real. It will not save you if you fall for it's tricks. It will let you ruin yourself.

But at the same time, the Trickster is the left hand of God. It sharpens us. Hones our senses and keeps us awake. It humbles.

I'll be doing the psychodramas. I'll be tracking the Fox, and I'll be sharing what I learn.

And if you have felt the call to learn from me and you haven't taken my Mentally Fit class, I hope you notice The Fox.

If you're ready, come join us. Enrollment ends March 15th. We start March 19th.

Song I'm Listening on Repeat

​Made In Heights - Murakami​

Quote I'm Enjoying

"Failure is a trickster with a keen sense of irony and cunning. It takes great delight in tripping one when success is almost within reach."
~ Napoleon Hill

"This is a gathering of Lovers.
In this gathering
there is no high, no low,
no smart, no ignorant,
no special assembly,
no grand discourse,
no proper schooling required.
There is no master,
no disciple.
This gathering is more like a drunken party,
full of tricksters, fools,
mad men and mad women.
This is a gathering of Lovers."
~ Rumi

Weekly Journal Prompt

We're does The Fox trot in my thoughts? What cave is it trying to keep me from entering?