I had a dream last night that I was in a movie theater with some friends. The movie had ended, and in order to leave, we had to jump into a black pit. Dream logic being what it is, I trusted this and jumped into the blackness.

After the 2nd second ticked by, I start thinking to myself...

"wow, this is deeper than I thought."

3rd second passes. Still falling.

"oh boy this might hurt."

4th second expires. Still falling.

"wow, what is this?"

Then I wake up.

-- -- --

It's been 80 something days since I've been able to speak without strain or spasm.

While I cried many evenings in the first few weeks, I'm laughing now.

This ordeal has become the just right pressure to wake me up and out of my somnambulism. It's becoming a ridiculous masterpiece.

The frankness is that I did this to myself.

The day before my voice stopped working, I made a prayer and bound it in a sigil. I did it like I believed in magick. Because I do.

The prayer was to revivify 'the athlete.'

haha beware the prayer that works.

I believe we have souls, and that our souls yearn to yoke us into our unique self. I believe that process is the fundamental game to play, and if we don't choose to participate in our becoming, our soul is forced to haunt us.

So I do my best to collaborate.

The past decade my call has been to get my mental game right. I've done that to a sufficient degree. I know my dharma, train my craft, and have designed a vocation that feeds my soul and pays my bills.

This clicked last year. And so, on the last night of an Ayahuasca retreat in April, 2024, I brought the following prayer to aya:

By the end of that night, I laughed while tears streamed down my face.

The vision was vivid and the message clear.

Somatics.

The next chapter of my dharma is to explore somatics with the same obsessive curiosity I have studied psychology and mythology the last decade.

I saw a vision of a university that trained people to be the kind of doctors that will work in the hospital of the future.

​

And ya know what...I didn't keep my word.

​

I went back to my old ways.

Work with my mind for 8 hours, half ass a work out, order doordash, and sit in a recliner until I get sleepy. 7 days a week.

If you'd ask me why I'd say 'I'm building the foundation to raise a family.'

However, the truth; I was doing what I had done. I was allowing momentum to captain my fate.

And then I made that fucking sigil.

I asked for help.

And my soul answered.

Enter day 80 of spasmodic dysphonia.

I'm finally, actually, in the adventure of embodying.

'Watching' my life like it's a movie is over. My voice isn't letting me hide in my head anymore. I am being forced to leave the theater and drop into my body.

And it's a longer fall than I thought it'd be.

Have you seen Spirited Away?

The bathhouse scene where the sludge monster is healed and the spirit trapped inside it is liberated...thats one of the best symbols of what this process feels like.

Most of us have a reclamation with our bodies to face.

I won't bum you out with the statistics of how few of us know how to breath, sleep, walk, move, run, eat, or feel emotions, but our collective disembodiment is likely the root of Western Culture's catastrophic healthcare situation.

Each of us has a wild animal in us, that for most of us, is trapped under a mountain of sludge.

The crying has given way to laughing because my vocal dysfunction has put the just right pressure on me to recommit to this cleaning up process.

I'm in the process. I'm falling, and I trust it.

Podcast that moved me:

​This is a very good podcast

highlights: Shame Lighthouse Lens

Movie To Watch

The new Nosferatu landed in me as a masterpiece for how to face the sickness in us. I won't give any spoilers, but I invite you to watch it with the perspective that this is a mythic guide on how to do parts work.

Music Video that brought me to tears:

​When you have 9 minutes, bless yourself with this raw, beautiful piece of art. This video will pair nicely with Nosferatu. For the full experience watch this video before and after the movie. If your in DAC, share your experience of it with me.

Quote I'm Enjoying

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hate so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”
-James Baldwin